to love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you've held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, your throat filled with the silt of it. when grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs; when grief weights you like your own flesh, only more of it, an obesity of grief. you think, how can a body withstand this? then you hold life, like a face between your palms, a plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes, and you say, yes, i will take you. i will love you, again. 


e l l e n   b a s s


yesterday i celebrated seventeen years of this beautiful life. seventeen years of  being carefully shaped + formed into the person i am today. seventeen years of growing up + discovering who i am. discovering that being kind is always a good idea, that pepsi is indeed better than coke, that amdist the choas + frustration of life, you still need to find time for insensible laughter. i've learned that i am ( + will probably never be) good at sports. i've learned that boys will break your heart and it won't heal if you  don't turn the page + start a new chapter. i've learned that joy is a choice that you have to continually keep choosing. i've learned what it means to be a loyal friend + the importance of having them. i've learned that sweatpants are (almost) never a good idea + that crimped hair will never be a good look. i've learned that we are all imperfect people in an imperfect world + that people mess up, but forgiveness is a gift that was freely given to us by the Father, and we must freely give in return. i've learn that no dream is too big + that i often underestimate my abilities - usually resulting in missed opportunities to learn + grow. i've learned that i am not always right + that things don't always go as planned. i've learned (and continue to learn) what that cost of following Christ is; that i am so undeserving of His grace and that we are not only called to a higher standard, but to the highest standard. he is my portion. my redeemer. my all in all. i've learned that there is no such thing as coincidences - only divine interventions. i've learned that my cup is filled to be emptied again. i've learned that complacency is not what is required of us. 

and as i sit here, full with birthday pie, i am content. i am not perfect, nor done learning.   

seventeen years. still so much to discover - so much of this wonderful life yet to be lived for the glory of the King - because i am not my own, but i am His. i am so overwhelmed with who He is and i can't wait to see what is in store for this coming year. big plans, even bigger dreams. 

much love,
rach. 

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